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Saturday, December 8, 2012

About The Ex-Husband

Disclaimer to my hubby: I tried to not use that title, but in the interest of
honest writing, it's what came to mind first. I tried other titles, but found
them misleading. I know you'll understand cuz you're wonderful like that.

We all, at one time or another, have experienced knowing someone in life who make us see red. Could be an in-law, could be an ex-spouse, could even be a family friend. Six years ago for me, it was my ex-husband, the father of my two daughters.
Of course now I better understand, as a former youthful idiot, I merely attracted someone who was just like the person I was at the time. Funny how that happens.
Apparently growing up takes a whole lot longer than 18 or 21 or even 25 years. Am I the only one didn't know this?
Well, I am making this a matter of public record because when I was growly and pissing vinegar at the onset of my blogging years, I was quite public about family members who decided to take the Highway instead of Myway. Especially especially all the ex- people!
I just could not abide by my ex-husband's refusal to parent according to my carefully written script.
I'll pause here and say this....
We have two beautiful, super-smart, funny and kindhearted kids (now ages 21 and 24). I shudder with chagrin to think of all those years I tried to take all the credit for their good traits and blame others for their bad ones.
All those years ago, I knew (though I refused to say this out loud) my ex was a wonderful person and I had chosen correctly for the young woman I was at the time. Ex-husband was a loving and caring young man from a close-knit, loving family.
So what happened, you might ask? Well, we each had very active demons gnawing and yammering inside our heads. And they simply wouldn't quiet down at the same time, so we drove each other batty during our brief marriage (of four years).

We divorced, our kids hated it and the rest is history.Falling in love and re-marrying didn't make things any better. Well for me, when I was focused on me (which was often), it was great. For our teenagers, not so much.
Long story short, 32 months ago I joined AA and sobered up. Yup! I thought it was simply a way for me to stop drinking. But the unexpected also happened: Every.Single.Thing. in my life changed.
At first I was excited about it all.12-steps, woo-hoo!! Let's do this!
Then I got nervous. Oh f**k meee!!, I thought. The thing I'd been drinking all these years to avoid was staring at me with non-drinking clarity: feelings! Uggghh.
Next came fear and then along came rage. Happy, scared, happy, panic, grrr! I yo-yo-ed through them all. It wasn't always fun, but hot-damn! I'm here to tell you, it sure has been worth it!
(Hang on I'm almost done, I promise!)
All the AA steps rocked my world for the better. But my personal favorite, the one that improved and enhanced all my relations is known as Step 4:
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
I had to take every situation and find my part in how it all went wrong. At first I was all, What the Whaaaat?! I've NEVER been wrong as far as I can tell!!
I tried to look at it from another angle and I was still all, Look how perfectly perfect I've been my whole friggin life! What about that?! If I was wrong it's because all those effers made me wrong!!
Eventually a small voice in my head (good ole dependable, God, to be exact) whispered, Hey, cut it out! Time for you to grow up. And I did.
I made amends with my ex-husband cause I realized, I played a role in the failure of our marriage. I played a role in our the occaional messes we made in parenting.
There was no big hoopla, nothing dragged out. No big speeches about alcohol, temporary insanity or bad timing. A simple case of I'm sorry I was such a brat. Apology accepted. That was a year and a half ago.
(I should note, Ex-Husband gave up drinking a few months after I did)
A Miracle
A couple of days ago I received two text messages, back to back, one from my oldest daughter and one from Ex-Husband. They said a UPS package would be waiting for me when I got home from work. Apparently, some months back my oldest had approached her father, an IT professional about my dying computer.
Turns out Ex-husband rebuilt and redesigned an extra laptop he had on hand. When I got home from work a few days ago, there on my front porch sat the box with my new laptop.
WOOO-HOOOO!!! Ex-Husband scored one for all the brothers, sons and husbands. Awesome!
The moral of my story is whatever you decide. I certainly have not morphed into an angel. I'm still sometimes childish immature, still have the occasional potty mouth. But I have learned a few things about life, such as, you get back what you put into it. And it's never too late to turn your life into something amazing and wonderful.
Hands down, my favorite revelation ever is knowing how much God loves me (cuz there was a time when I thought He did not). I have much to be thankful for this Christmas season. Life just keeps getting better and better.

The End.
If you read this far, thanks for reading, I hope it was worth your time.
Merry merry Christmas! Wooo-hoooo!! Yay Life! Yay God. Yay Family!

P.S. Now we'll have two computers in our home.



Just a conservative girl said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

It is nice for you that you and your ex have managed to find a good place. It is even better for your daughters. I have no personal experience with divorce; as a child or an adult. But I have seen my siblings go through multiple ones, all of which were pretty nasty.
Not a good thing for anyone, especially young children.

mCat said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

There are few things in life as rewarding as healing a failed relationship. TO know that you are "square" with every person (that matters) in your circle of people is a blessed feeling!

Nikki said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Not only was it worth the read all the way to the bottom, but I think my heart did a little flip!! It is amazing how our eyes are opened when the time is right. I am a firm believer that our lessons are often learned when our hearts are open and it sounds to me like yours is open for business and accepting applications! Love. This. Post. :)N

namaste said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

jacg, absolutely true about how divorce affects children. i'm just glad my ex and i got a chance to heal ourselves while our kids are still young and impressionable. kudos to you and your hubs for giving your little ones the best starts in this life a child could need.

mcat, i'm not sure if i'm done "squaring" with everyone. but you're so right, it is a blessing with the relationships we can.

nik, you said a mouth full- "when the time is right." i don't think i'll ever stop re-tracing every step you and i have taken together so far with marvel, my friend. agreed, my heart is open for business. i like that!

tammy said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I love the honesty in this post. My brother-in-law used to be an alcoholic and drug abuser. I remember when he became clean and made his apologies to each of us. I've seen the happiness and good things in his life these past few years, and see it in your post too. So glad you're feeling good about the direction your life is headed. And what an awesome thing for your daughter and ex to do!

Scarlett said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

As you know from reading me in the past, I live with an alcoholic and only wish he had your guts and courage ! This was a really inspiring post for all of us who still hold out hope that the one we love will quit with the drinking. Thanks :)

namaste said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

tammy, congrats to your brother-in-law on his continued sobriety. i'm sure he and your family have been blessed for his changes. sober living for we who drank too much does have a beautiful ripple affect for our loved ones.

scarlett, so nice to see you're still here in blogland! i've missed your blog. your hubs will see the light only when he's ready. when i was drinking, no one could impress upon me to stop. but i'll also never know who was praying for me. it helped, prayer is magical like that. just keep being your awesome self, girlfriend. life gets better :)

Pedaling said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

When I saw a few of your FB posts, I wondered if it was a computer....Awesomeness!

You know, from our mistakes and misfortunes in life, if we can't learn from them, then they are certainly opportunities lost. Sometimes our biggest strengths, compassions, and growth come from our biggest failures and heartaches. At least I've found that to be true for me in my life.

Your story is interesting and it is important. I'm glad you share!

namaste said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

pedaling, oh yes, pure awesomeness! such wise words: sometimes our biggest strengths, compassions, and growth come from our biggest failures and heartaches. it's definitely true for me too! comments like yours and others keep me sharing :)